In-Depth with Bobbie Thomas
Nat: Did you hold your breath your whole pregnancy or were you finally able to relax?
Bobbie: It was an extremely interesting pregnancy. It was hard to breathe. I held my breath for a big chunk of it. Because of the hormones, I was extremely sick. Your body isn’t natural; it’s out of whack because you were trying to help it along. I had a really rough road. I had insane morning sickness. I was sick for the majority of the pregnancy, morning, noon and night. I was even, at one point, diagnosed with kidney stones. So it was tough but I think it almost made me feel better because I felt so grateful to be pregnant that I was willing to take anything else on.
Nat: Tell me about Miles’ arrival. What did it feel like after all that you went through?
Bobbie: I was still in disbelief. I had a really challenging labor. It was almost twenty hours and then, at the end, had to have an emergency C-section. When he was pulled from my stomach, I didn’t know what to think. I just kind of looked at him and thought, “You’re real? Oh my gosh.” I can cry now thinking about it because I’m more emotional today than I was in that moment but I still can’t believe it. I look at him and think, “I can’t believe he’s mine.” I feel utterly grateful for the world’s most precious gift. And now it’s like phase two. It’s about balancing this precious gift that I’m allowed to have.
Nat: Talk to me about Phase 2.
Bobbie: Now that I have Miles, I’m more sensitive to what women have to go through becoming a mother. Breastfeeding was yet another challenge. My first week in the hospital was so tough. I was having so many problems with breastfeeding. So many different opinions coming in and out of the room, there were nurses changing shifts and I just really felt like a failure. It was so hard to get pregnant and then pregnancy was so hard and then, again, I was facing this horrible feeling of thinking, “Why can’t I have that whole movie moment where you just get the baby and you feed him?”
Nat: Oh, Bobbie, I can so relate.
Bobbie: I just thought to myself, “Why doesn’t anybody talk about this?”
Nat: Exactly. No one talks about it. I felt like I was prepared for everything but that, which is why, I think, there was such a tremendous response to the HuffPo piece I wrote. I’m so glad you’re now part of the club and, with your platform, being transparent about it.
Bobbie: Nobody talks about it because it’s boobs and people don’t want to talk about boobs. Nipples sound gross, colostrum isn’t a pretty word… Anything we can do to minimize that internal struggle of guilt. This is when the “professional girlfriend” comes full circle. I still feel passionately about my roots as a therapist. It’s really about reducing the internal shame and blame game and this is a unique example of how I can do that in my current role and what you’re doing with your writing, there’s room for all of us to really help each other. It’s about women supporting other women. If you operate from that place, you can never go wrong. I want women to feel like they can put down the bricks, get over the shame. Breastfeeding is something that’s fantastic if you’re able to do it, and if you can’t, for any reason, you need to embrace what’s the best option for you. So I’m super proud to be an ambassador for Gerber’s new BabyNes system.
Nat: What is it exactly and why didn’t I have one when Lilly was an infant?
Bobbie: It’s honestly the coolest thing ever for the modern mom. It’s another option and the one thing that IVF and that whole experience has taught me is that I’m so grateful to have options. Miles wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have options. I wasn’t producing enough for him to be satisfied or for him to gain his weight back initially so I needed to supplement. I know breast milk is the gold standard, that’s undeniable. If you can provide that for your baby, you should. If you can’t, you need options. BabyNes was an exciting option for me because it’s a super smart machine dispenser that not only simplifies the bottle-making process but really helps with my peace of mind. The formula capsules evolve like breast milk throughout the stages of a baby’s development (six stages in total), so I know I’ve giving Miles all of the nutrition that he needs, when he needs it.
Nat: So you formula feed?
Bobbie: I’m still pumping but I’m supplementing too and I want women to know that’s okay. It’s okay to invest and put it on the registry before you worry about the pack n’ play and all those other things we worry about. We think about the nursery before we think about the one thing we do every day from the moment the baby is born: feeding them. This is such an investment-worthy option for your registry that I’m so geeked out about it. It’s really been a game-changer for me and I know this is going to be a game-changer for modern moms. It makes it easier for us to try and do it all because now, anyone can make a bottle – dad, grandparents, caregivers. I never have to worry about who is measuring and if he’s getting enough or too much, because BabyNes took the guesswork out and made the process simple. And ‘simple’ is a welcome word for me right now. Trying to balance launching my beauty line on HSN, having a baby, renovating my apartment, I’m back on Today... I cannot tell you the number of marbles on the table so pushing a button to have a bottle in under one minute and making sure he has a nutritional meal, it’s amazing.
Nat: Absolutely, there’s so much guilt and shame that comes with motherhood in general, self-induced and outside forces as well. How you feed your child should not be one of them. Speaking of guilt, I also had to come to terms with everything like you did. There was no elation or burst for me during my pregnancy either, which was confusing. We’re so conditioned to think it’ll be a magical moment. I thought I’d be like, “I’m with child,” beaming with a natural glow. But I didn’t really enjoy it and then felt guilty for not enjoying it because I knew there were people that were struggling and I was like, “Here I am, so blessed and I feel bad for not really loving this.” I think a lot of women feel the same way once the baby’s born, they feel they should automatically be in love, bonded and think it’s the best thing ever and they’re not but there’s shame in admitting that. When did it finally sink in? When did you have those feelings of elation? Or have you yet?
Bobbie: I really relate to what you just said about pregnancy. So I would share very similar, if not identical, feelings. In terms of actually having the baby, it’s a whole new phase. The baby’s first month is one phase and the second month is another phase. There was the pregnancy, then there was the breastfeeding and now I’m dealing with the new phase of trying to balance it all. I still have the caution of, “Is this really real? Is this happening?” I still look at him some days in disbelief, but I don’t know if there was the “movie moment” for me. All of this stuff felt surreal but the day I decided I would share Miles on Today and bring him on with the women, that was the day I was bursting at the seams. I was so proud that I could finally share something that everybody worked so hard for with me. That was the day I finally cried. We were so excited to find his outfit and, off camera, Hoda, and Kathie Lee, myself and all the producers were crying because it was a miracle. So that was the moment. It was really my ability to share Miles with everyone. That was my moment of he’s real. That’s when it became real.
Nat: How old was he at that point?
Bobbie: He was about two months.
Nat: Would you classify your feelings as baby blues?
Bobbie: Definitely. I’m not going to lie, I had a tough time. My hormones were all over the place and it was such a roller coaster from day one with IVF. I had a definite fog that I had to ride out. I had to lean on my husband and my loved ones.
Nat: Are you still experiencing it?
Bobbie: I’m five and a half months with Miles and there are some things that feel better. I’m more in a groove but there are other things I’m still sort of anxious about. So, I’m not sure. The first two months were really tough, especially having a C-section. I think that’s yet another thing people don’t really talk about: having a major surgery when you’re also having a child. Two incredibly momentous things happening at the same time and that’s a whole other topic people don’t really address. How do you come home from being cut open and on painkillers to being a mom for the first time? I had to give myself a break. I think it’s kind of natural to be a bit out of it and not sure about your feelings. I’m definitely on the other side, I would say but I still have my moments. I’m still pumping so I know the hormones are at play. There are good days and bad days.
Nat: Speaking of which, how is being a working mother? Is it harder than you thought it would be?
Bobbie: If I thought I was a woman’s woman before this, you need to times that by infinity and beyond because the moment I understand I’m talking to another mother… there’s like a secret society you all of a sudden feel a part of. That word, “mother,” has a new meaning to me. Not only in relation to my own mother but to women everywhere. I feel instantly bonded. And I just want to clarify, to me, a working mother is a mother that’s breathing because whether you’re in an office or if you’re at home juggling the responsibilities of a household and your family, every mother’s working. That’s why I’m really excited about products like BabyNes because I think the more options you have, the better you can arm yourself. You can be the best mom you can be. That’s really all you need to do, be the best mom that you can be and options allow you to do that.
Nat: What’s been the most challenging part about being a working mother?
Bobbie: You know what the toughest part is? It’s that I want to be my best at everything. I want to be the best mom I can be and I also want to be the best “professional girlfriend” I can be. And sometimes those two lanes synch up and sometimes they don’t. So I think the toughest is when those two opposing forces pop up. You want to be the best at both and it’s really hard to know that you’ve got to figure out which one has to compromise. Sometimes I wish that I could be the person changing his diaper or feeding him but I have to go on-air and talk about something else. I’m learning that quality is definitely more important than quantity. As much as I want to be there twenty-four-seven, I need a break for my own sanity. I remember spending a couple days shut-in and afraid to let anybody help me but I’m realizing that accepting help is the best way for me to be a better mom.