Who Are We Without Our Titles?

No sooner had my key card expired, than the attention waned. People I considered friends and mentors, individuals I assumed would be there for me, vanished. When “Natalie from Us Weekly” became just Natalie, to many, including myself during particularly low moments, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. If I could no longer get them in a magazine, provide scoop, be their ally, source of information or gateway to the goods, if they no longer had to suck up to me to get into parties or out of assignments, I was, apparently, not worth the effort. My value had a number and it was up.

I went from 500 to two emails a day. My phone no longer rang. The expense account dried up. And people forgot my address and my name. As a result, the days were quiet. Really quiet. I alternated from waking with a smile and not wanting to wake at all. Much of it was liberating. I was elated to be free from the stress, pressure and drama. It was a relief to not have to field daily favor requests. I was excited about the lack of appointments and deadlines, only my whims (Morning yoga or afternoon Pilates? Volunteer or veg?). But there were many days that I dreaded the endlessly isolating time ahead, choosing instead to laying in bed.

To be clear, I made the decision, after working 24/7 for the better part of a decade and saving money, to take some considerable time off. I could have pounded the pavement and most likely secured some sort of job but I opted not to. I realize I’m extremely fortunate to be able to make that choice and count my blessings. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle with a bit of an identity crisis as I imagine anyone who lost or left their job, went through a breakup or loss of a loved one, or experienced an empty nest would grapple with too.

When you become one with your profession or your label, when you’ve allowed it to define you and your place in this world, it’s a mighty far fall when it’s no longer there to provide you purpose, excuses or a false sense of self. The question is, for a career-driven, relationship-seeking, check-the-box society like ours, who are we without our qualifiers?

I’m happy to reveal that after months of stillness, self-discovery, tough questions and, yes, plenty of sleep and pity parties, I’ve come to find what remains is what I knew all along. Without the job, sans the title, I’m still the same girl. Full of hope, driven to succeed and a believer in goodness. It was just temporarily clouded by the noise of the industry, allure of the freebies and opinions of others. Sometimes, it seems, you need the exits. For it’s there that you rediscover all you were meant to be.