Making Friends Post 20-Something Is Harder Than Meeting a Mate

I thought back to the advice I’d repeatedly given over the years to my single friends looking to meet a mate: Get involved, do things you love. So I signed up for a charity, found a Pilates studio and tried a book group. And, like my friends have reported back countless times before — which I never quite believed until now, for various reasons — none of them worked. I also tried becoming closer with the few people I casually knew out here to no avail. I’m not sure whether it’s the distance, the already-full schedule or just plain me, but any way you slice it, we’re not hanging out and that bums me out.

Moving to a new city, you would think, would help. And, it does. A bit. There’s more of an effort on my part to get out. (Toward the end of my stint in New York, I was content to couch-it.) But, for those that aren’t, the feeling isn’t exactly reciprocated. Let’s face it, most people don’t get to see the friends they do have all that much. The ones they’ve invested years in, the ones who know their quirks and flaws and accept them anyway. Why would they willingly take on new friends they have to get to know and add them to the increasing list of people they never see? We so spend much of our lives making introductions, put in awkward situations and being “on” that, when we’re not, we want to be comfortable. And, if you’re like me, you do so while in elastic waist pants with the aforementioned batch of cookies. It’s like Cheers. Did Sam, Norm or Diane want new people in their home? No! And neither do the late-20, early-30-something Angelinos. And I can’t say I blame them. But where does that leave me?

I was at Whole Foods the other day and a girl-crush-worthy fellow shopper in line behind me asked me about the snap peas I was holding. We chatted for a moment about my produce when I noticed her handbag. It was quilted. It was chic. It was Tory Burch. Naturally, I told her I loved it. She returned the compliment, appreciating my blouse. We were clicking! I imagined us meeting up for morning yoga, shopping for our organic goodies, tossing them in the car and then skipping to fro-yo and loading up on all the bad toppings together. Everything within me said to keep on chatting, that this was her: my new sidekick! But, instead of continuing the convo, I panicked, grabbed my bags and left. I didn’t want her to think I was hitting on her, nor did I want to appear like a loser with no friends, desperately trolling the grocery aisles for an adult, childless play-date. I couldn’t help but think it would be so much easier if it was a romantic interest. At least then, there’s more of a primal urge to make the move, certainly more than swapping recipes and fashion tips!

Meeting a significant other is hard, no doubt. But, I would argue, making friends in your late 20s and early 30s is harder. At least with a romantic interest there’s flirting, chemistry and incentive. And, maybe even the added benefit of making friends with or through them. Now that I’m married, in my early 30s, currently working from home and in a new city, never before has making friends been so challenging.

And, I know I’m not alone. I’ve had this conversation with plenty who share my plight. So, if there are so many of us in the same boat, what are we waiting for? Let’s sail… to Friendship Island, grab some margs and get to chatting!

My single friends would tell me that, while I may think it’s slightly easier, finding a mate is more important than another friend. And they may be right. But lovers come and go. Friends are forever. Right? At least that’s what I’m banking on. Don’t tell me otherwise! I’m not good at making new ones, remember?

Ultimately, I’m blessed to have many great friends both long-distance and local and I need to focus on them. But, hey, if you know of someone, preferably sane and a lover of wine and cookies, who’s in the LA friend market, let me know! I make a mean snap pea side dish.