In-Depth with Stephanie Manning

Nat: What was his interpretation of the whole thing?

Steph: He said it was the strangest thing watching me go from “I don’t care if you want to drive to Harpers Ferry” to, on the way home, “Let’s try to find a waterfall hike” and actually smiling. I mean, he will tell you it was the strangest thing he’s ever seen. He didn’t admit this to me until much later, but he was a little concerned that something was wrong.

Nat: Like a manic episode?

Steph: Yeah, like, “I don’t understand. Is this something that I should call a doctor about?” It was such a change in personality. In an hour.

Nat: So you started hiking?

Steph: The very next day! I looked up White Oak Canyon on the way home. I was like, “Do you want to do this tomorrow?” and he was like “Um, yes!” So, we took the kids and did a hike the next day.

Nat: How did that feel?

Steph: Really good. Drew carried the baby in the Bjorn, which was not super comfortable, so shortly after, we invested in a backpack from REI that Vivi ended up living in for much of her life. I was like, “Okay, this is really amazing. I’m out here, I’m doing this, I’m enjoying time with my family. This is my goal.” And that was it. I came up with 40 hikes in my 40th year because I’m pretty stubborn and I knew that if I announced a goal to the whole world on Facebook, that I would do it and I’d have to carve out time for myself.

Nat: Holding yourself accountable is an important piece of the puzzle.

Steph: Yeah, I knew that if I announced the goal that I would have to stick to it. Most people on Facebook had no clue what I was going through. So I didn’t get into anything in my posts other than, “Here’s Hike Number 1 and here’s what I’m doing. Join me!”

Nat: Tell me about some of the most memorable ones.

Steph: After Harper’s Ferry and Whiteoak Canyon, Drew and I went away to Pearisburg, Virginia and we did a couple of incredible hikes, an amazing waterfall called Cascades and also a place called Dragon’s Tooth, which was a rock scramble hike. We kind of bit off more than we could chew on that one, but I was hooked.

Nat: What was it about hiking that helped heal you?

Steph: I’d always loved the outdoors but it hadn’t been a big part of my life in so many years because of kids and work and whatever. I just felt like I had to get back to a place where, let’s forget about all the other stuff that’s happening in life that’s super stressful and that makes me feel overwhelmed, I’m just going to get outside with my husband and enjoy being together and enjoy not having my cell phone on, there was no signal anywhere I went. Having that detachment from all the stressors in my life and the natural serotonin, I think whatever was going on with my body was 100% chemical. And whatever is outdoors, Vitamin D levels, serotonin from exercise, I don’t know, maybe my hormones ran their course combined with being outdoors, a break from my kids and missing them, wanting to come back to engage in their lives again… All I know is, something happened when I was hiking, it all just kind of came together. I try to explain it but I don’t even really understand how it all happened.

Nat: At what point did you feel 100% back to yourself? Do you recall a time that that was?

Stephanie: I think it was pretty soon after, which I know sounds crazy.  I don’t remember a specific moment, other than sitting on the rock. That was sort of my big “A-ha!” moment. But in terms of feeling 100%, I think it was pretty soon after that. I mean, I basically put it out there to the world, on Facebook, like “Hey, does anyone want to go on these hikes with me?” I went up to New York where I’m from, in upstate New York, and did some hikes with friends and family.

Nat: What did connecting with others do for you? How did that feel after being so removed for so long?

Steph: I felt like I was back among the living. Having that goal forced me to get out and be with people who I love. I didn’t really talk about it but I didn’t have to. I didn’t feel the need to get into what I was going through, it was more important for my brain to have something else to focus on, be excited about something. And probably within a month or so, maybe even a few weeks, I was good.

Nat: What is your advice to people that are struggling right now?

Stephanie: Just keep trying anything. The medication didn’t work for me but I know a lot of women who it has worked for. And since I’ve talked more about my situation, it’s amazing how many women or their husbands have talked to me about it. I received emails from people I haven’t talked to in years, got private messages, had people who I’ve met before but don’t really know stop me to say, “I just have to tell you that I went through it too and haven’t talked about it.” And not just with postpartum depression, depression, in general. I’ve also heard from people who are still going through it.

Nat: From the first moment of you being able to recognize it, at least in retrospect, to finally feeling well, how long was the process?

Steph: I’d say it was six months of true hell.

Nat: While you’re in it, that must feel like a lifetime.

Steph: Yes, it did. There were so many moments of me thinking, “Is this how my life is going to be? How am I going to do this? How am I going to live like this? How am I going to take care of my family?” It was debilitating. It’s a debilitating illness.

Nat: But, in the big scheme, six months is a short period of time in comparison to what others go through, the full life you’ve had before and you’ll have after.

Steph: Absolutely. The one thing that I can say, which is so cliche, but so true is you can’t give up. I kept going for my kids and for my husband. I wasn’t willing to do much those days but I was willing to keep trying. There is going to be different ways for everybody to get to the bottom of this and try to come out of it, whether it’s with a therapist, a psychiatrist, group therapy, getting outside, making plans with friends and family even if you don’t want to. There are so many different ways that people can go about it. The one way that doesn’t result in anything? Staying in bed.

Nat: Were there days that you did just stay in bed?

Stephanie: Oh yeah, if I could! When the kids were at school, when the baby was sleeping. But, as a mom with an infant, that sounds normal. “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” But, this wasn’t normal. It wasn’t napping when the baby naps. It was staying in bed and not because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, it was because I wanted to get in bed and never wanted to leave. I was going to figure out a way to stay in bed forever. It wasn’t every day. I had too many responsibilities but, if I had had a choice, I would’ve never gotten out of bed. It was a horrible feeling. Which makes you feel worse. Staying in bed makes you feel so much worse.

Nat: What’s your advice to loved ones witnessing someone going through this? What would you say to them?

Stephanie: This is really an important point, because it’s so hard to see someone going through it, feeling complete helplessness. I know my family and my husband certainly felt helpless. But it’s so individual. All I can say is what helped me. Just to know that people are there, to know that people would just sit with me. I literally had a girlfriend who would call or text and say, “Can I come over?” and my answer would always be no. But she came anyway. She’d say, “I’m coming over, I’m coming to sit with you. I don’t care if you sleep the entire time, I’m coming over.”  I’m not really one that asks for help a lot, it’s just not my personality. I imagine that most women don’t really like asking for help, they like to get it all done themselves. You don’t want to show your vulnerable side. Well, I was at my most vulnerable state ever and I still didn’t know how to ask for help. Even though a part of me probably really wanted my friends or family there, it was really hard to say, “Yes, I need you.” So, even if you hear from somebody that you love, “Nope, I’m good. I’m okay,” maybe still show up. Not to give advice, not to say, “You can’t stay in bed all day.” Rather, “Well, I just want to hang out.” I think just showing up if you have an inkling that someone is going through something.

Nat: We’re all guilty of not wanting to be a burden. Not wanting to appear weak.

Steph: Yes and, as a friend, you don’t know what to do or say. I’ve been guilty of, “Well, I don’t know what to do. I know so-and-so seems like she’s going through something but I just don’t know and she says she fine.” Drop them a note. Like, “Hey, I’m thinking about you. I’m going to touch base soon. I know you want some time on your own but I’d really like to come by.” Then follow up with a phone call. I think just letting somebody know, instead of just worrying or thinking about somebody. Letting them know. Picking up the phone, instead of obsessing about it and not actually doing anything. Because you may not realize how meaningful that is to someone else. I had a girlfriend, too, who has kids my kids’ ages. She knew that I was going through something, not quite to the depths that I was going through it, but she would show up and pick up my older two kids. She’d say, “I’m just going to bring them down to my house for a while.” I don’t think she knew how much that meant to me in that moment. She saved me.

Nat: What about our words? How are you? Often gets met with, “fine.” Are you okay? “Yeah.”

Steph: I think one of the best things that you can ask someone is, “Tell me what you need. What can I do for you to make your life a little bit easier today?” Not “Can I help you?” or “Do you need anything?” Forget the yes or no questions. But, point-blank: “What can I do for you?” That, for whatever reason, really resonated with me, in those moments. And I couldn’t say, “No, don’t worry about it. I’m good.” My answer would be, “Just sit with me,” or “Can you hold the baby while I go lie down?” It seems like such a silly little distinction, but, for whatever reason, it really helped me in those moments.

Nat: Is there anything you’d like to add?

Stephanie: The one thing I would say for anybody struggling is, “What is it that you love to do? What is it that you’re missing in your life that you used to do 10 years ago? 20 years ago? Last year? When did you feel closest to yourself or to others? What do you do in your life to give yourself peace?” And whether that’s working out or sewing or whatever.  I think, for so long, I kind of lost sight of what brings me back to myself and brings me peace. It took that whole experience to bring me back to something that I love to do and that, ultimately, made me realize that you can’t stray from things that make you feel like you, because if you do, you’re going to pay for it – and everybody else around you is going to pay for it. Had I never gone through that, would I have ever focused on what makes me feel good or what centers me? I don’t know. I have no idea if I would’ve put myself in the position again to really enjoy the outdoors and, specifically, hiking. I don’t know if that would’ve entered my life again. I think that so many of us, who raise families, who are wives, mothers feel like we have to be the perfect wives, perfect mothers, or career women, or both, work has to be fulfilling and everything has to be wonderful and it’s just not that way.

Nat: It’s so important. I struggle with that on a regular basis.

Steph: I don’t know a lot of people who have that in their lives, myself included, until I went through complete hell. It’s still a struggle, it’s not easy. I can’t just get up on a Sunday and go hiking. I have to really work on the concept of self-care. No matter what is happening in anybody’s lives, whether they have a newborn or a toddler, a college-age student, adult children, parents who are ill or friends who are going through hard times… Just stop and think about what can you can do to enjoy today for an hour, for no one else but yourself. Is it yoga? Meditation? Reading? Even church or temple, for some people. I was talking with a friend who was writing a story about somebody who’s starting up a church. He was interviewing the priest and said, “Why are you successful? How are you able to bring so many people to your church?” And the priest said, “It comes down to community. People want to feel connected to something.” And I think that is lost for so many people, whether it’s feeling connected to nature or a community through church or a group of some sort, whatever it is that gives you that moment of peace and centeredness. That’s what I would encourage anyone to do, whether you’re depressed or not. I think that in the tough moments in life, to have something that centers you and you can go back to when it’s difficult because life is difficult, you will always have moments of, “I don’t think I can get through this.” What can you turn to to help you through it? That is what I hope to maintain for myself.

If you or someone you know is struggling with postpartum depression, call 1-800-PPD-MOMS. Having suicidal thoughts? 1-800-273-TALK. For other resources and call centers, click here.