In-Depth with Stephanie Manning

Stephanie Manning is a hard-working mom of three. A devoted wife. Compassionate friend. And she almost lost it all. After the birth of her third child, she suffered a debilitating depression that left her bed-bound, contemplating exit strategies. Read how the love of her family and friends, medical intervention and a personal mission (40 hikes in her 40th year!) helped her break through and bring her back. 

Nat: You’re a very outgoing, social, bubbly person. Were there ever points in your life where you dappled with depression?

Steph: No, not really. Like most people, there have been times that have been challenging. Times where maybe it was more situational. If work was super stressful and things were going on that were beyond my control like medical issues with family members or a death in the family or the heartbreaking loss of a good friend’s child… I tend to empathize and take on a lot more than I should and sometimes get overwhelmed. But I had never had clinically diagnosed depression like I did after Vivian, my third child. And I’d never gone through postpartum depression with my other two, so this was a very, very different experience for me.

Nat: Was it something that you worried about before becoming a mother? Or did it not even enter your mind?

Steph: No. I was so wrapped up in what was happening and so busy, I never really paused to think, “I hope I’m not at higher risk for postpartum.” I remember reading about baby blues and thinking, “Okay, I need to be aware of that, I need to make sure I’m in baby group and all of that.”

Nat: Anything with Owen, your second?

Steph: With Owen, there was a little more overwhelm because I had a two-year-old who had been the center of my universe and I was so concerned with how it was going to affect Clara, that it was less of a concern about me and my baby but more, “Oh my god, how is my toddler going to deal with this?” So, not really understanding how to navigate that situation, that was my stress more than anything else. I remember moments of getting angry with Clara because I was so sleep-deprived. I was frustrated that I couldn’t navigate that in the picture perfect way I had in mind, of “Oh, I’ll be breast feeding and I’ll read Clara stories,” which is ridiculous, but it never quite works the way you have envisioned it. I went through some pretty normal baby blues stuff in both of those pregnancies.

Nat: You didn’t plan your third so did that news throw you off a little bit?

Steph: Owen was 4 when I found out I was pregnant. And every single year after Owen was born, we’d say, “We’ll decide next year.” But we couldn’t sort of make that leap to say, “it’s never going to happen again.” But, with every passing year, I just thought, “Well, I’m sort of getting further away from this.” Drew and I had even talked about permanent ways to prevent a pregnancy a couple of weeks before I found out I was pregnant and I still couldn’t make my mind up but we were sort of leaning that way. I remember feeling very sad about the possibility that we were done.

Nat: How did you find out?

Steph: My oldest daughter, Clara, had this awful stomach virus that was going around her school and was throwing up for days. She missed a whole week of school. I remember running up a hill in our neighborhood with my boot camp friends and thinking, “I can’t do this.” and I said to my friend, “I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve got to stop. I don’t feel well, I think I’m probably coming down with whatever Clara has.” And I felt that way for a week and it never dawned on me that I was pregnant. She was the one that finally said, “Go take a test.” I’ll never forget that moment that I called Drew and said, “Could you stop at the store and bring me a test?” And he said “Well, you’re not pregnant,” and I was like, “No, no, I’m not.” He was outside grilling chicken for dinner that night and I very casually went into the bathroom with my two kids sitting in front of the TV. I just remember thinking, “You’ve got to be kidding. How is this possible?”

Nat: Stereotypically, men have a harder time with it, at least in the movies. But, in reality, in committed, loving relationships, my experience is, it’s often women who have a harder time coming to terms with it. Men have nine months to come around before they really experience a change, with women it’s immediate.

Steph: I’m thankful for it but when I found out, I was in complete shock and think I turned white. I walked outside to where Drew was grilling and said, “Take a look at this.” And he was shocked but thrilled. My mom was in the house, I told her and she was thrilled. I had this moment of total panic and said to them, “I’m not ready to celebrate, just give me a moment.” It was never an option for me not to have the baby, I just wasn’t ready to smile, kiss, hug and be thrilled.

Nat: And that’s okay. We put too much pressure on ourselves about the way we should be, should react, should feel. When did you come to terms with it?

Steph: It took me that whole night. We went and got a blood test and the doctor came in and said, “Congratulations!” I said, “How accurate are these blood tests?” That’s how in denial I was. “Are you 100% sure?” I was serious, like could this be a mistake? She said, “Honey, you are absolutely 100% pregnant.” And I still looked at Drew and said, “I’m not ready to celebrate yet.” We went to dinner and had a very uneasy conversation about the whole thing where he didn’t know what to say and I was panicked. I said, “Let me just sit with this news.” And the next morning, I remember very distinctly opening my eyes and being totally okay with it. I woke up and thought, “Alright, how do I feel right now?” and I was ready to be happy. I was like, “This is what we wanted. I’m really excited about this. Let’s move forward.” And, after that, there was no looking back. There wasn’t even a second thought, after that first 12-hour period of shock.

Nat: That’s great that you were able to come around that quickly. With Lilly, it was weeks, maybe months until I came to terms with it. So then you went through your pregnancy totally fine?

Stephanie: Totally fine, happy, was able to focus on the other two kids and be really excited about it. I thought, “This isn’t going to be so bad because I’ve got a lot of support. I have great friends, I love our community, my kids are happy, they’re thrilled and they’ve been wanting this.” I mean completely happy, no problems with the pregnancy at all. And I was an “older” mom. I was 39 when I had her.

Nat: So then you had her. Take me through what happened next. At what point did you realize you had postpartum depression?

Steph: It’s hard to say because, when you’re in it, you’re not fully understanding what’s happening. It was all sort of a blur. Vivi was born November 8, 2013. We came home, were thrilled to introduce her to her brother and sister. I was exhausted like every mom with a newborn or every mom, period. But I had family support and support from friends. I felt overwhelmed because I had the other two that were involved in all kinds of things: playdates, school stuff and activities and that was a little much. But I’m fortunate that I have my mom here and my husband is super involved so I figured, “We’ll get through it. The first year or two may be tough but we’ll get through it.”

Nat: Did you notice any change in mood?

Steph: It was the holidays so we had Thanksgiving and Christmas with people in town. We had stuff going on but I don’t think I was myself through all of that. I look back on it and think, “That was probably the beginning of it,” but I still was able to function. I was still able to get up and out of bed, shower, and take care of the kids.

Nat: How were you not yourself?

Steph: I still felt like I was in a fog but it was a very typical fog to me. It was much like what I had felt like after the birth of Clara and Owen. When I don’t sleep, I don’t do well, I’m kind of a mess. I’m sure I seemed exhausted to other people, I’m sure I wasn’t my “normal self.” I think a lot of that was because I wasn’t getting sleep. And then I was having to do all the stuff I normally did with the other two kids. Although certainly my mom and Drew took on a lot of that, I still felt responsible for a lot of things. I think it was probably after the holidays, which in retrospect, makes a lot of sense.

Nat: How so?

Steph: I think the winters, especially with a newborn, when you’re not leaving, aren’t outside, don’t have the sun, aren’t as social, can set people up for not feeling their best. Heading into that period of time in January with a 2-month-old, a 4-year-old, and a 6-year-old into what was one of the worst winters on record where the kids lost 13 days of school was extremely tough. When I look back on that period and what was going on, it’s like, “That makes sense. How would I have made it out of that?” But, again, in other points in my life, I feel like I would have been able to recognize it more and figure out what I needed to do to not go into that sort of trench hole.